If you feel nervous about talking with your friend, here are some pointers from cancer patients.

Be yourself and don’t be afraid.
Your friend doesn’t expect perfection. Some people have a knack for expression, some people are lost. Your friend sees that you care and that you are doing your best.

Don’t push advice.
You probably don’t know enough about her case to really be useful. It can be tiresome to hear “My friend Paula had breast cancer and she said that her doctors recommended chemo every week…”

When in doubt, email an offer of help or companionship.
Unreturned phone calls can be a weight on your friend. Also, the phone ringing might wake her up or force her to think about cancer during a time when she is not. Always end a message with “No need to reply; I am just thinking about you.”

Listen more than you talk.
You are there for her. Give her some runway to talk about whatever’s on her mind …an annoying insurance problem, a funny card she got, an aching back, her old car that isn’t selling.

Don’t force the cancer conversation.
If she’s trying to talk about her husband’s nasty boss, and you came to get the latest update on her treatment, stick with the nasty boss stories. Cancer isn’t the only thing going on her life.

Don’t expect her to follow up on every suggestion.
Many people will suggest that she call their friend who had breast cancer or read a new article about an ongoing clinical trial. These can be very helpful, but can also feel like another thing for the To Do list. Just pass the info along in a card or email and leave it there.

Focus. Take off your coat, sit down, turn off your cell phone. If your friend starts to open up and vent, stay with her. It helps to tell your friend up front how long you can spend so she doesn’t worry that her mood sent you packing.

Don’t rush her through the hard stuff. Your friend is sick, scared, bald, uncomfortable, and tired. Try not to quickly stifle these truths with platitudes like, “You’ve got to stay positive” and “This is going to be over soon”. Let her complain and cry and feel a little self pity before you start to help her put herself back together again.

Respect her experience. Don’t say “I know how you feel” unless you actually do. Don’t say “My friend had the exact same thing and she’s doing great.” Every cancer case has unique elements.