It is often difficult to know how best to support your friend's husband or partner. Here is some insight from Edward Lichty, whose wife had Stage III Breast Cancer and was in treatment for nine months.

How supported did you feel during your wife's treatment? Did your friends seem to know what to do to help you?
My friends are great guys but honestly, most of them were pretty tongue tied during Kelly's treatment. I know they wanted to help but I also know they didn't have any idea what to do. Except my friend, Graham. He really stepped up.

What did he do?
He called and emailed a lot. He tracked our progress. He didn't disappear once treatment got going. He kept calling and asking questions. He was really interested in the day to day reality of what we were going through and was comfortable enough in our friendship to ask.

So, asking questions is OK? It's not invasive or irritating?
I liked talking about Kelly's treatment; what drugs she was on, how long her infusions were, what choices we were making, how her tumor was reacting. I liked sharing the facts. I liked explaining the process. A lot of people avoided the topic, or stayed really general, like "How is everything going?" It was hard to tell if they really were interested in the details or if they were just being nice. In most cases, I think maybe they were so concerned about saying the wrong thing that they didn't say much at all. I don't really blame them, because when I've had other friends going through difficult or sensitive situations, I've been as tongue tied as anyone. I realize now that it's better to risk saying the wrong thing than to say little or nothing.

Were there things that people asked that you didn't like?
I never felt totally comfortable when people would ask, "How are YOU doing, Edward?" especially if they asked me in certain settings, like a cocktail party or at the park with the kids. What do you say to that? The answer is far more complex than anyone really wants to hear. I also never knew what to say when people said "If there's anything I can do, just call me." It's so unrealistic. I would never call someone to ask for a favor like that. It's better to just suggest something specific, like "Hey, do you want us to take the kids to a movie on Saturday so you and Kelly can have some peace and quiet?"

Did your friends take you out much during your wife's treatment? To play golf or see a ball game?
Many guys offered but I felt like it was important for me to be home, with Kelly and the kids. I didn't feel like I should be out relaxing with the guys while Kelly was home in bed. But since she finished treatment, I have had some great times out with my friends. I have a lot to celebrate and I earned a day of golf or a night of poker.

So now that you've been through it, what will you do if your friend's wife is diagnosed?
I will be present. I will show an interest in the details of what cancer is like for him and his wife. I will stop in during chemo treatments, call him while his wife is in surgery, track him down at work to get an update, and make plans to do some celebrating with him after it's all over.