Kelly Corrigan's
memoir of
growing up—
the first time,
and the second time.
[Click here]
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by Kelly Corrigan, 36 years old, Stage III Breast Cancer Survivor
Kelly writes a bi-monthly column on everyday life. If you'd like us to email her columns to you, click -->

The domino-like chain of side effects is a joke. Yesterday, I took 18 pills in 24 hours. It starts with chemo, Adromyican and Cytoxin. Before they load you up, they give you a handout with a list of side effects. There are fifteen, between the well known side effects like hair loss, nausea and fatigue to the secret ones like runaway infections, tear-jerking constipation and early menopause. And with modern medicine, you can bet that there is a drug to combat each side effect. For nausea, Zofran, Ativan and Compazine. For the constipation caused by Zofran, there are laxatives and stool softeners. There is a persistent metallic taste in your mouth and what they call 'scalloping' of the tongue. This is treated with lozenges which tend to cause cavities over time. To ward off infection and stabilize your white blood cell count, there is Nupogen, something you self-inject every morning for six days after each round of chemo. Of course, Nupogen causes deep bone pain, which you can treat with Vicoden, which can in turn cause nausea and drowsiness. And there you are, right back where you started.

I tried to sleep after I took my 2nd Vicoden but I got caught in that middle place, feeling body tired but mind awake. I imagined that I was on a conveyor belt, on my side, in my usual sleeping position, and my personal conveyor belt was moving me along...first a shot, then an IV bag, then the pounding of the MRI machine, then breezes and a Corona, then Claire beside me, then the exam table at UCSF. There were no levers on the machine, no way to control the speed, or stop. Sometimes I'd close my eyes and let the belt do what it wanted. Other times, I'd strain my eyes to stay longer where I was, to hold on to the image or feeling longer than the belt speed would allow. I wanted to cup my hands around the belt to stop it but I was afraid that my skin would tear and the blood wouldn't clot again ever. Eventually, eventually, I sleep.